


Gone

by SecretJungle88



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Disability, Locked In, Love, M/M, Nurse - Freeform, carer, locked in syndrome
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-03
Updated: 2018-03-16
Packaged: 2018-10-14 08:36:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 12,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10532802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SecretJungle88/pseuds/SecretJungle88
Summary: In which Josh is locked inside his mind but Tyler sees that he’s in there.





	1. Him

My mother loved me, but every day I wondered why on earth she didn’t let them turn off life support when I was 5 years old.  
I was born Joshua William Dun, a beautiful, bouncing baby boy. And up until I was 5, I was perfect. I went to kindergarten with all my little friends, and I learned to talk, and spent a lot of time with my brother and sisters. It was a great existence.  
That was, until the accident. I didn’t remember much about it. I’d been sitting on a rollercoaster with my best friend and something went wrong and the coaster derailed. My best friend died. I snapped my neck, and smashed my skull, but I lived.  
Hardly, may I add. The doctor’s announced me brain dead, and told Mom to take me off life support. So I wouldn’t be in pain anymore.  
But she refused. And for some magical reason, I survived. Not that I can do much. I can move my fingers a little, and my right thumb works. I can’t move, or talk, or eat, or walk, or run, or do anything really, but I’m alive. I feel like I should be grateful for that, but I’m not.   
That probably makes me sound like a massive complainer, but it’s not much of a life when everyone else on this planet thinks you’re brain dead. I’m the only person who knows that I’m in here. That I can understand what people are saying. Since the doctor’s declared me mentally retarded when I was 5, nobody ever talked to me the same.  
Up until I was 14, I lived at home with Mom and Dad and my brother and sisters. Ashley and Abigail were generally pretty upset over what happened at first, but eventually got over it. They would come and sit with me now and then, they’d hold my hand and tell me that they loved me, and sometimes they’d play me music, which I liked a lot. My brother took it a lot harder, especially because we were so close in age, and so close. For the first few months I was home, he wouldn’t even come into my room to see me. It took many years before he was able to sit alone with me. Even now, he doesn’t talk to me much. He doesn’t know I’m in here. Nobody does.  
I’ve done countless things. I’ve tried to make a language using blinks, which nobody really caught onto. Mom just took me to the doctor and told him I was blinking lots, and then I ended up with daily eye-drops, which certainly wasn’t fun. I tried to communicate using the 10 sounds I can make with my mouth, but that never really worked either.  
Nobody makes an effort to understand your efforts to communicate when they believe you don’t have the mental capacity to communicate in the first place.  
Either way, my childhood was rough. My room at home became my whole world. In the morning, Mom would lift me out of bed and put me in my little chair in front of the TV, doing up the straps so I wouldn’t fall out, and then she’d go to work and leave me with the nurse until she got home. Then she’d take me out of my chair and take me for a bath, before taking me out to the dining room for dinner with the family. I generally just sat there and listened and tried not to freak my siblings out too much. And then after she’d take me to the lounge room to watch night time TV with the family until she tucked me into bed at 9pm  
It remained like that until at the age of 15, my mother and father decided I was too big for them to take care of anymore, so I ended up here. It was called the Wilhelm Respite Care Centre. I’d been here 4 years now.  
From a logical perspective, it was seen as a better alternitave to sitting at home alone. There were lots of nurses here, and lots of other patients. On the rest of my ‘ward’ were other people with similar injuries. Pretty much all of them were brain dead. I’d tried blinking at them several times, but none of them ever caught on. I was the only one really here. The nurses would sit us together so we wouldn’t be alone, and sometimes they’d strap me into my little chair and take me for walks around the garden, and sometimes they’d even take me on outings, to the mall and stuff. People stared, obviously, but it was a nice little existence. But I did miss home. I missed the way my Mom would talk to me and tell me all about her day. I missed sitting with my sisters and brother. They visited, but it wasn’t the same.  
At this particular moment, I was sitting in the common room where they’d placed me, silently watching the TV in the corner. The TV was always set to the baby channel. That’s all I ever really got to watch since the accident. Except for sitting out with the family. Then I got to watch movies sometimes. Either way, you learn to appreciate what you can get. Sometimes they don’t turn the TV on at all.  
And then he arrived. I couldn’t really get a good look at him, because I can’t really turn my head, but from the brief side-view I got, he looked nervous. He was probably nervous. All the new carers are nervous. Especially when they first get out of carer-college or wherever the hell they train them. One of the other nurses… her name was Sarah, I think, slowly walked him around and telling him all our names.  
“And this one here is Joshua… he’s pretty easy. Not too fussy. He won’t ever scream unless the bath water is too hot or something is hurting him. If he starts blinking a lot, he has some eye drops over at the station. He likes the TV, I think. He tends to actually stare at it, which is more than I can say for some of the others.” Sarah always spoke as if I couldn’t understand her. “Basically, all you have to do for him is bathe him once a day, and then do the occassional diaper checks.” She peeled back the back of my pants. “Oh yeah, he needs a change. Can I trust you to do that Tyler?”  
So that was his name. Tyler. Interesting.  
“M-Me? U-Uh…”  
“Joshua is probably the easiest patient here.” Well, that was the closest thing I’d ever get to a compliment, so I took it. “He’ll be a good one for you to start with while you’re on your internship.”  
Internship? Jesus, this kid was really new at this. I just hoped he was actually good at his job, not like the last intern who left me naked on the ground for about 3 hours before noticing.  
Tyler slowly pushed my chair over to the station in the corner and gently lifted me onto the mat. He was trying so very desperately to be gentle, which was a nice change. Nowadays the nurses just tried to get it over and done with as fast as possible.  
“I-I’m s-so terribly s-sorry a-about this.” He murmured, not glancing at my face. I was quite unsure as to why he was apologising. Nobody ever apologised over this. I was desensitized to the whole process, and in fact, I generally just entertained myself while counting the number of tiles in the ceiling.  
When he was done, I could tell it wasn’t done correctly. It was going to leak all over me. I tried to make a noise to alert him to the situation. Still using my little made-up language, despite the fact that it never made sense to anyone else. He lept back in alarm. “W-What’s w-wrong?!”  
Idiot. Like I could tell him what was wrong.   
“I-I-...” He just pulled my pants up and sat me back in my chair. “Is t-that better Joshua?”  
God, Joshua. All the nurses called me that. I’d never get used to it. Josh, much simpler, much easier. But it wasn’t like I could correct them.  
I just glanced up at him. God, he seemed so on-edge. His hands were shaking and he seemed so desperate to make sure I wasn’t upset. He’d learn soon enough that it was practically impossible to get me upset. I’d accepted my menial existance a while back.   
“Just put him back where he was.” Sarah told Tyler, not looking up from her paperwork. “He’s pretty settled there.”  
“O-Okay…” Tyler slowly pushed me back and parked me in front of the TV. “I-Is that good?”  
“Yeah, don’t worry about it too much. They hardly notice whether they’re staring at a screen or a brick wall.”  
I silently fumed. Tyler frowned slightly.  
“I might put you in charge of Joshua for today. That way you can get a taste of how it is to care for this ward before I give you one of the tricky ones.”  
“O-Oh…” Tyler looked down at me nervously, before back up at Sarah. “I-I can d-do that?”  
“You don’t have to spend all day in front of the TV. Take him for a walk or something. Knock yourself out. He’s pretty easy-going.”  
Tyler must have assumed that he had to push me around at a snail’s pace, because that was how he pushed me around the gardens on our little walk. I liked the gardens generally, they were always blooming and the colours were so pretty. But this slow push felt ridiculous.  
“I-Isn’t it p-pretty Joshua?” Tyler asked, pointing at the little fountain.   
I tried to make a happy noise, but it just made Tyler go over me to make sure that I wasn’t in any pain. I decided to stay silent.  
“W-Why did I think I c-could do this?” Tyler asked himself. “I-I can’t c-care for y-you!”  
I just stared at him.  
“I-I was s-so stupid! W-Why did I d-do this?! I-I’ll never be a g-good carer!” He paced back and forth. “A-And now I-I’m r-responsible f-for another h-human b-being!”  
Well, this guy was obviously all rainbows and sunshine.  
Tyler then started crying. “I-I’m s-sorry!”  
I frowned. What was he sorry for? He hadn’t done anything terribly wrong so far. He’d only been here an hour.  
He took me back to my spot in front of the TV and went and sat down by the nurses station, keeping an eye on me from afar. Well, that felt great.  
Whoever this Tyler kid was, he was obviously going to require a little bit of training.


	2. Mistakes

Since Tyler’s arrival this morning, I’d learned 5 things about him. 1, he was an intern here. 2, he didn’t think he was suited to the role. 3, he’d be here for a month. 4, I’d been assigned to his care for that month. 5, I scared the absolute crap out of him.  
I didn’t know why, I thought I was a pretty friendly guy when I could be. I didn’t chuck hissy fits like all the others around here. I generally just sat in silence and accepted whatever was done to me.  
Tyler had moved into my room. The room was plain, with wooden floorboards and white walls. There was a window at the back, and 2 beds. One side of the room was mine. There were some glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling, a gift from my brother, and my parents had bought me this model of the solar system that sat above my bed as well, which was fun to look at from time to time. There was a chest of drawers that held my clothes and other handful of belongings, and a shelf with all my medical equipment.   
Tyler’s side of the room had a little chart on it where he wrote things like when I’d taken my medication, how many times I’d woken up in the night, how much I’d had to eat and so on. He had a bed, and a desk, and a bookshelf. He had a closet for his clothes, and a little mirror as well.   
It wasn’t either of our’s dream room, but it was what we had, so we accepted it. Tyler had parked me in the corner of the room while he unpacked his clothes into the little closet there. It wasn’t a very fun task, judging by the glum expression on his face.  
When he was done, he sat down on the desk chair and looked me straight in the eyes. “So I guess we’re stuck together in this mess, huh?”  
I wasn’t really sure what to say to that.  
He sighed softly. “Are you hungry? It’s dinner time. You’re probably hungry… maybe I should… Are you hungry, Joshua?”  
I tried to blink a no at him.  
Tyler frowned and went and got my eyedrops, putting two in each eye before checking the chart. “Y-Yeah, it’s your dinner time now. Let’s go give you some food.”  
The dining room was pretty quiet, and Tyler grabbed my food and sat down at a table to feed me. I will admit, I’m not terribly great at eating, and I tend to make quite the mess. I just wish someone had told Tyler that so he wasn’t sitting here scolding himself the entire meal.  
“I-I’m s-so sorry J-Joshua.” He whispered tearfully as another chunk of meat rolled down my shirt. “I-I’m trying, I pr-promise.”  
I was trying too, but that didn’t change the outcome. Tyler kept trying to clean me up after every bite, which really just made the whole process a lot slower and more painful than usual. When the food was all gone, I was absolutely filthy, and Tyler just looked so guily.  
“L-Let’s g-go clean y-you u-up.” He whispered, pushing me to the bathroom and running the bath. He tried to lift me in but the water was absolutely boiling, so I screamed. Tyler panicked, and dropped me into the water in shock.  
I screamed and screamed as the water burned my skin. It took Tyler a moment to realise what was happening before he pulled me out quickly and wrapped me in a towel. “Shh. shhh. I-I’m s-sorry, I-I’m s-sorry!”  
Sarah burst into the room and comprehended the scene. “Oh, goodness, that water is far too hot Tyler.”  
“I-I d-didn’t know!” Tyler stammered.  
Sarah emptied the tub and ran the bath again, this time to a lukewarm temperature, before slowly lowering me in. “There. That’s how you do it.”  
Tyler wrote himself a quick note. “I-I’ll r-remember n-next time.”  
“Good. You almost burnt him to a crisp. You’re lucky it’s your first day.”  
“S-Sorry M-Ma’am.”  
“It’s fine Tyler. Just remember for next time. Always test the water first.”  
He nodded furiously.  
Sarah left and the rest of the bath was spent in silence. Tyler slowly scrubbed me clean of food and anything else on my skin, before shampooing my hair and conditioning it. It was a slow process, it always was. Especially considering that he had to use one hand to hold my head above the water the entire time.  
“All c-clean.” He smiled slightly as he pulled me out and dried me off. “Ready for bed.”  
He pulled my pyjamas on and took me to the bedroom. My bed creaked slightly as he laid me down, gently resting my head on the pillow and attempting to try and get me into a comfortable position, before pulling the blankets over me. He turned the solar system on so it moved, and laid down in his own bed, pulling out a book and turning the lamp on.  
I tried to glance over at him, but my neck wasn’t really in favour of working with me. I just leaned back and watched the solar system rotate above my head until I fell asleep.


	3. Mom

The next day was Saturday, and that meant Mom was coming to visit.  
Tyler had dressed me in my nicest clothes and even styled my hair a little bit to make it look nice for Mom. However, that all went to waste when he forgot to put my bib on before breakfast.  
“O-Oh g-gosh…” Tyler murmured, desperately trying to wipe my shirt clean. “I-I’m s-sorry!”  
Sarah sighed. “He has a bib, Tyler. He’s not the cleanest eater. Did you not read his care diary?”  
Tyler shook his head nervously. “I d-didn’t know h-he h-had o-one…”  
She sighed. “Go read that, I’ll clean him up.”  
Tyler quickly skittered away to read my care diary. Sarah finished feeding me breakfast and got me all dressed for Mom’s visit, before parking me in front of the TV. It was nice and quiet until Tyler came back and sat beside me, watching the TV silently.  
“D-Do you like this stuff Joshua?” He mumbled, looking at the baby channel. “It doesn’t look very interesting. B-But you might like it, I don’t know…”  
I just looked at him. He stared at me for a moment, before moving his hand in front of my face slowly. I followed it with my eyes.  
“Huh.” He murmured. He took a few steps back and did it again. I did the same thing.  
“Your care diary says you’re completely mentally retarded.” He murmured. “But if that were the case, you wouldn’t be able to follow my hand…”  
My heart started pounding, and I started blinking frantically. This was the closest I’d ever come to anyone understanding me.  
I’m here. I’m not retarded. I’m just trapped inside my head. Tyler!  
Tyler seemed confused, and went and fetched my eye drops. I let out a cry of frustration, and everyone in the room turned to stare at me. I never made noises, I found it useless really. There was no point, I’d stopped a long time ago.  
“Tyler, what did you do?” Sarah rushed over.  
“N-Nothing!” He stammered. “He w-was blinking h-heaps and I w-went and got h-his eye d-drops!”  
Sarah frowned and checked me over, before putting more eyedrops in. “It was probably a twitch or something. Write it in his diary for future reference.”  
Tyler nodded and furiously scribbled it down. I just went back to watching the TV.  
Mom arrived within an hour or so, and immediately pulled me onto her lap and hugged me tightly. “Joshie! Hey buddy! Mommy’s here!”  
Despite the fact that she talked to me like I was 6 months old, I did love my Mom’s visits. I got her hugs, her love, and she always smiled and told me that she loved me. Which was more than I got from anyone else. She was seemingly the only one who really cared.  
“How’s my baby boy been this week, Sarah?” She asked, resting my head on her shoulder and gently stroking my hair.  
“Good, good. He’s now under Tyler’s care, he’d probably be a better person to talk to about him.”  
“Who’s that?” She asked, sounding less-than-impressed. Tyler gave a small, hesitant wave.  
“So, you’re the one who’s in charge of looking after my son.” She spoke firmly, gently rubbing my back protectively. “What qualifications do you have?”  
“I-I’m a-an i-intern.” Tyler whispered hesitantly.  
“An intern? So, you have no experience.”  
“M-My l-little brother… he h-has cerebal p-palsy.” Tyler stammered, obviously intimidated by my mother. “I-I’ve b-been looking a-after h-him for years.”  
“Well, this is a big step up from that.”  
“I-I know. I-I d-d-did the t-training c-course…” He stuttered.  
My Mom studied his face for a while, before leaning back and sighing softly. “I guess you’re okay. How’s my Joshie been this week?”  
“O-Oh, good. No trouble a-at all.” Tyler pulled my care diary back out. “T-There was a-an incident t-this morning w-where he s-screamed f-for no r-reason, but other than that, h-he was f-fine.”  
Mom frowned and looked at my face. “That doesn’t sound like my Joshie.”  
“We were all quite confused by it.” Sarah explained. “It was quite out-of-character.”  
Mom frowned and gently kissed my forehead. “Hopefully it’s nothing.”  
Tyler nodded. “He’s honestly no trouble at all, other than that.”  
She smiled proudly and wiped some drool off my chin. “He’s a good boy. Anyway, so, Tyler, what made you want to become a carer?”  
“I-I, um… I was originally going to be a basketball player… but my scholarship got dropped and the only thing I really knew how to do was care for my brother… so I guess I just decided to turn that into a full-time thing. It’s good to be able to make a difference, I guess.”  
Mom nodded. “I took the course too, just after Joshie’s accident. I guess we both did it for similar reasons.”  
Tyler nodded uncertainly.  
She continued stroking my hair. “How’s his eating going?”  
“G-Good, I guess. H-He’s a little messy, but he’s getting all his food eaten.”  
She smiled and tickled my tummy. “That’s a good boy Joshie! Eating all your food! Good boy!”  
Tyler didn’t really say anything. It must’ve been a strange sight to him, after all. He probably hadn’t ever seen anything like it.  
“He’s always been a little fussy.” Mom explained. “So that’s really good news. The doctor said that he’s a little underweight so it’s important that he eats.”  
“I-I’ll remember that.”  
“Good.” She turned her attention back to me. “Do you wanna come on a holiday home for a few weeks Joshie? Your Mommy’s looking at getting some time off work.”  
I tried to blink a yes at her. She frowned and gently looked at my eyes. “Maybe we need to go back to the doctor about your blinking Joshie. It’s getting worse…”  
I just internally sighed.  
Mom sat and chatted to Tyler for a while, and I just listened in silence. It was nice until I felt the stupid diaper begin to come undone. It really wasn’t one of Tyler’s strong points.  
Mom seemingly didn’t notice and continued stroking my hair whilst deep in conversation.  
She only realised when it started leaking through my sweatpants and onto her jeans.  
“Oh! Joshie!” She panicked.  
Tyler’s eyes widened and he pulled me off her lap. “I-I’m s-so sorry, I-I’ll c-clean him u-up!”  
Mom took the handles of my chair. “I’ll do it. I’ll show you how to do it properly so things like this don’t happen.”  
Tyler hung his head in shame and followed us to the station. Mom was very good at her job, better than most of the nurses here, and cleaned me all up before putting me in some clean clothes.  
“I-I’ll make s-sure to d-do that next t-time Mrs D-Dun.” Tyler whispered. “I-I’m s-so sorry.”  
“It’s okay sweetheart, you’re new at this.” She gently lowered me back into my chair and did the seatbelt up. “You’re not expected to be perfect.”  
Tyler didn’t look comforted. He just looked guilty. “S-Sorry Joshua…” He mumbled.   
I stared at him for a moment to try and get across my forgiveness. Tyler just seemed confused as to why I was staring. “Are you hungry?”  
“Hmm?” Mom asked, looking up from her attempts to clean her jeans.  
“He’s staring at me. I think he wants something…”  
“Tyler,” She sighed. “Joshie’s Joshie. He doesn’t have the capability to look to you when he wants something. I love him, I really do, but even I have to face facts.” She gently stroked my hair.  
Tyler nodded uncertainly.  
We all sat together until Mom had to go home. She hugged me tightly, kissed me and told me she loved me before walking out the door for another week.


	4. Zoo

Once a week, I got to go on an outing.  
Tuesday was normally the day. Generally it was to the mall or to the park, but sometimes they mixed it up. I generally enjoyed going out of the facility, it was a nice change. But I wasn’t sure how I was going to enjoy it with the company of Tyler.  
Tyler had a backpack full of my medical supplies and sat beside me in the van as we headed out of the the facility. I just watched out the window. I always liked springtime, there were lots of pretty flowers around. Back when I lived with Mom, she’d grow some plants on the windowsill of my room. I missed that.  
“We’re gonna go to the zoo today Joshua.” Tyler told me, half-smiling. “I t-think you might like that.”  
I had been to the zoo once before, with Mom for my brother’s birthday when I was about 7. I didn’t remember it too well, probably because it was so long ago, but I did remember the feeling of being horribly out-of-place.  
He gently wiped some drool off my chin and returned to silence for the rest of the journey.  
The entry to the zoo was pretty easy considering we were there pretty early, and once we were inside Tyler took a deep breath. “Where do you w-wanna go first Joshua?”  
This guy just did not learn.  
He looked at the sign. “Uh….hmm…” He moved around to the front of me and watched my eyes and where I looked on the sign. The accuracy was somewhat affected, but we ended up going in the general direction I wanted.  
“See Joshua! That’s an elephant! Isn’t that cool?” He smiled, pointing at the elephant.  
Most people found this over-enthusiasm annoying, but I guess you get used to it when everything thinks you’re gone. It was pretty cool, actually. This was a pretty cool outing choice. Even though every second person was staring at me.  
We walked around the zoo for quite a while, and I did find myself enjoying it. Tyler seemed pretty happy too, and would throw in some fun facts about the animals for me. It was quite fun.  
The only real complication came at lunch time, when Tyler decided it would be a good idea to get me a burger. I could sense the distaster this was going to be before he even started trying to feed me.  
“Okay Joshua… open wide.”  
When he realised i couldn’t, he leant over and opened my mouth before shoving the burger in and expecting me to bite it. I tried, but it’s a lot harder than it seems when your mouth muscles don’t work.  
Tyler frowned and put it back on the plate, before cutting it up with a knife and fork and attempting to feed me that way. It wasn’t successful either, and I could just feel it going all over my shirt. A burger-mural, if you will, painted with actual burger rolling down my chin.  
Tyler was wincing and trying to keep me clean. “I-It’s good I brought you s-spare clothes…”  
Well, at least this guy remembered something.  
He finished and quickly rushed me to the bathroom before changing my clothes so I was all clean.  
“T-That’s better, hey?” He forced a smile. “I-I’m sorry Joshua…”  
I just stared at him.  
We finished the day by looking at a bunch more animals before heading back to the facility on the bus. Tyler bought me a t-shirt as a souvinier, which was a nice gesture, I guess.  
On the ride home, Tyler sat across from me and watched me, before turning to one of the other carers in the car.  
“What do we do if we think one of them isn’t actually brain dead?”  
She snorted. “They’re all brain dead, Tyler.”  
“Well, what would we do if we thought otherwise?”  
She rolled her eyes at him. “Well, I guess talk to their families. But it’s best not to get their hopes up. Because if you’re wrong, then you’re gonna crush them. You’re probably gonna crush them anyway. He’s been brain dead since he was five, you don’t need to give them the idea that they’ve been mistreating him for years.”  
Tyler bit his lip, but nodded settled down.


	5. Papers

I was quite suprised when Tyler took me to the little gazebo in the middle of the gardens and sat down across from me with a couple of pieces of paper.

“N-Now…” He whispered. “I-I just wanna s-see…”

The papers had pictures of animals on them, and Tyler sat me in the middle of the gazebo while he walked around and taped the pages to all the different posts. Then he came back and stuck a lazer pointer in my mouth, which was about as awkward as it sounds. 

He smiled, quite pleased with himself. I was just confused, and wanted him to take this piece of metal out of my teeth.

“O-Okay Joshua…” He breathed excitedly. “I w-want you t-to point the lazer a-at the elephant. Like the one we saw at the zoo yesterday!”

I just stared at him. Who the hell did he think he was kidding?! My mouth didn’t even work for eating, yet alone precisely point it at a picture a good while away from me.  
“El-e-phant.” Tyler said slowly. “Point the lazer at the el-e-phant.”

I tried, I really did, but the lazer pointer dropped out of my mouth and rolled off my lap onto the ground where it was coated in a layer of dust. Tyler frowned and moved closer to me, leaning over and looking straight at my eyes, which was as creepy as it was uncomfortable.

“J-Joshua, l-look at the elephant.”

I looked at it. Tyler watched my eyes, and then lept up with a massive grin! “YOU DID IT JOSHUA! YOU DID IT!”

I was quite suprised by his enthusiasm. Even a baby could do that. But then again, that’s all I really was. A big baby.

“Y-You’re in t-there! I knew it!” He smiled. “N-Now… we just need to f-figure out what to d-do now.”

I looked at him blankly. He quickly grabbed all his photos and pushed me back to the main centre and put me in front of the TV while he went and got his computer, before printing some pages out. He then took me to our shared room and put the pictures up on the wall and sat down across from me.

“N-Now, J-Joshua… t-this is m-morse c-code…”

Damn. I knew my own blinking language, but this was a completely different one. How on earth was I supposed to learn an entirely new language?! At least the posters were up, and Tyler seemed to have his own copy.

I took a deep breath, and started blinking. Tyler started taking frantic notes.

C-A-L-L M-E J-O-S-H.

Tyler went through his notes of dots and dashes, and began translating, before grinning madly. “Call me Josh. That’s what you said! You’re in there! I knew it!”

My eyelids were getting quite worn out, this was hard work. So I answered simply.

D-U-H.

Once he translated, he started giggling. “This is amazing! Amazing! I knew it!”

He was seemingly more happy than I was.

“I can’t wait to tell your mother! She’s going to be so happy!”

D-O-N-’T T-E-L-L H-E-R.

He frowned. “Why not?”

My eyelids were really worn out, so I didn’t answer. He frowned. “Are you tired, Josh?”

Y-E-S

“That’s okay…. I guess we can continue this later. Do you want to go to bed?”

Y-E-S.

He put me to bed and turned my solar system on, before leaving the room. I was still quite astounded.

I’d been found.


	6. Home

In the weeks that followed, I slowly improved on my morse code skills. Tyler and I spent a long time sitting in our shared skills, watching and decoding my blinks.

And because of that, I got to start experiencing all sorts of things that I wouldn’t have been able to before. I was able to choose what I wanted to eat. I could choose what I wanted to watch on TV. I could pick where I could be placed. It was like a whole new world. A euphoria, if you will. I’d never felt better.

Today, Tyler had told me that he was going to tell Mom, even though I didn’t want her to know. 

“She deserves to know, Josh. Come on, don’t you want her to stop treating you like you’re brain dead?”

I D-O-N-’T W-A-N-T H-E-R T-O T-H-I-N-K S-H-E-’S D-O-N-E T-H-E W-R-O-N-G T-H-I-N-G.

“She won’t think that…” He said unsurely. “But she deserves to know. She’s your mother. You’re her son. And I’m legally obliged to tell her.” 

D-O-N-’T!

He frowned. “Come on, Josh.”

I-’L-L S-T-O-P B-L-I-N-K-I-N-G T-O Y-O-U.

“Oh come on, that’s blackmail.”

I didn’t respond.

“Josh, seriously. Your Mom deserves to know.”

We sat in silence for a few minutes, and Tyler grunted. “Fine. Whatever. I won’t tell her.”

T-H-A-N-K-S.

Tyler sighed and just took me out to the lounge. I was wearing the shirt that I’d gotten from the zoo, and watched the TV until Mom arrived.

“Joshie!” She smiled, pulling me onto her lap. “How’s my baby boy?”

“He’s been good, Mrs Dun.” Tyler smiled. “We went to the zoo this week.”

“Oh that’s lovely!” She smiled. “Did you go to the zoo Joshie? Yes you did! You went to the zoo!”

Tyler seemed somewhat pained, but I glared at him to stop. He just looked away. Mom didn’t seem to notice and was too preocupied talking to me in baby-talk. I just enjoyed her embrace.

“You’re gonna come for a holiday Joshie!” She giggled. “You’re gonna come and stay with Me and Daddy and Abigail and Ashley and Jordan!”

Oh boy. That was going to be interesting.

“For a whole month!”

Oh dear lord. Please no.

“O-Oh...okay…” Tyler murmured.

“Tyler, honey, can you be a dear and grab his things for me? I’ve run it past Sarah.”

I sat in Mom’s lap while Tyler nervously left the room. He returned with two bags and my solar system. Before I knew it, I was being loaded up into my Mom’s car. Tyler looked at me worriedly, before I was taken away. Taken away from my home, to go, well, home.

The nostalgia hit like a wave once we pulled up at the driveway. Mom took me inside and sat me in the kitchen before going back to get my bags. I looked around at everything, looking at what had changed and what was the same. Not much had changed, actually. It was strange.

“Is it good to be home, Joshie?” She giggled. “Yep, I bet it is. How about I fetch you some ice cream? Joshie loves his ice cream, don’t you Joshie?”

I didn’t respond.

She made me a bowl, with sprinkles, and began spooning it into my mouth.

“Isn’t that good Joshie? Don’t you love your ice cream! Yes you do! You do!”

I just sat there and felt it running down my shirt.

She took me back to the bedroom of my childhood and changed my shirt, before putting away all the contents of my bags. “Your brother and sisters are coming over for dinner to see you Joshie! Won’t that be good?”

Oh no. God, this was going to be the most awkward family dinner in the world. I was starting to really wish Tyler was here.

She put me in front of the TV in the lounge, watching baby shows of course, before going to the kitchen and beginning to prepare a meal. I tried to entertain myself with my own thoughts, which was kind of boring.

Eventually, Dad got home from work. He kissed Mom on the cheek and went upstairs without even acknowledging me. I guess that was fine. He was never one to talk to me after the accident. I guess he imagined that because I couldn’t understand, then it wouldn’t matter if he talked to me or not. He still loved me, I guess, he showed that through the fact that he’d feed me and clothe me and care for me. I think he missed me, more than anything. But there wasn’t anything anyone could do about that.

“Joshie’s home!” Mom smiled. “He’s in the lounge.”

“I know, I saw.”

Well, that felt great.

Mom frowned. “Go say hi.”

“Hi!” He called to the lounge room.

Mom deemed that acceptable and Dad went upstairs to shower.

One by one, my siblings arrived. My sisters hugged me and talked to me for a little while, mostly telling me about their day, before my brother arrived and gently neatened my hair before saying a simple hello.

Dinner was mostly the same as when I was small. Mom fed me bites, and I just listened to the conversation. It was nice until Mom started talking.

“I’m thinking of moving Joshua to a different care facility. I don’t think the one he’s at is a good fit.”

“Why not?” Ashley asked. “They seem to be doing a good job. They’re taking care of him.”

“I found this other place, it’s closer to home, and their facilities are so much nicer. Plus the staff seem so much more engaged.”

“And how much is this place going to cost me?” Dad asked.

“Not that much! And actually, I think that it’ll cost you less over time because it’s not such a long way to travel to visit him!”

“You know what the doctor said Mom, they said not to change his living position so frequently. It’ll confuse him.” Jordan frowned.

“Come on, you know that place is kind of sketchy.” Mom defended. “And his new carer is weird. I don’t trust him.”

Oh god. No, Mom. Don’t move me. Tyler only just found me!

Dad just shrugged. The conversation ended there.

After dinner, we all went back to the lounge to watch a movie. I just sat there, thinking about the enormity of what Mom had just said. She wasn’t going to move me… was she? Oh god, that would be the worst. I’d only just been found, and then I’d be lost again!

When the movie was over, Mom took me to my room to get me ready for bed. She bathed me and put me in my pyjamas before tucking me in and sitting on the end of my bed.  
“Sleep well Joshie. Your Daddy and I are just down the hall. It’ll be so good for you to move homes, won’t it? So many better people to take care of you! Yes! You’re gonna have so much more fun!”

I wasn’t sure what came over me, but I started crying. Physically sobbing. Tears flowing down my cheeks and all. I think Mom was more suprised than anything, the last time I cried, I was probably about 10.

“Joshie, baby, what’s wrong?” She asked, gently scooping me onto her lap. “Shhhh. Shhh. It’s okay Joshie. It’s okay. Momma’s here.”

Dad poked his head in. “What on earth?”

Mom shrugged slightly and continued stroking my hair as my tears leaked onto her shoulder.

“Is he in pain?”

“I don’t know…”

“What should we do?”

They drove me to the hospital and I was given a bed for the night, and some strong painkillers. I guess you can’t cry when you’re given drugs that make you sleep.


	7. 7: Tour

It was sort of depressing how easy it was to fall back into the pattern of life at home with Mom and Dad.

It was just like when I was a kid. Mom took me out most days, normally to the park. We’d follow the same route. First, to the coffee stand, where she’d order a double shot cappuccino, then we’d walk the little nature trail, then we’d sit down at a cafe for breakfast, and then we’d walk to the lake where we’d watch the little kids feed the ducks, and then we’d finally go across the road to the supermarket and get some food for dinner and then we’d go home.

She took the opportunity of me being with her to practically buy me an entire new wardrobe. She’d walk me into stores, hold shirts up against me and gush about which ones were cute. I couldn’t help but feel like a living doll.

I hadn’t counted how much she’d spent, but I knew it was a lot. It wasn’t just clothes either. I now owned like 6 new pairs of shoes, despite the fact that they’d never be used as anything more than glorified foot-warmers.

“You look so pretty Joshie!” She giggled, dressing me up.\

I spat in her face. She wiped it off, assuming it as a fluke, and continued cooing over me. She started taking photos, too.

I internally groaned.

I really wished I was back home with Tyler. He listened to me, understood me. Gave me choices in what happened to me. I finally had some sort of control over my own life, and now it had all been torn from my grip.

And Mom was still talking about transferring me, which was terrifying. I’d be straight back to square one.

Today she was taking me to visit this new facility, and as I sat in the back of her car, my stomach was churning. I was really hoping something would happen and she’d immediately dismiss this place as a good choice for me.

The feeling got worse when I saw the place. It looked amazing. That was the problem. I could tell Mom was already in love with it.

“Doesn’t this place look good Joshie?” She smiled from the front seat as she parked the car. “Let’s go have a look!”

I took a deep breath as she pushed me through the front door. The first thing I noticed was that this place had really good aircon, perhaps a little too good. I started shiverring slightly.

Mom didn’t notice, and was too busy talking to this nurse who was taking us on a tour. I hoped that the entire place wasn’t like this, I was already freezing.

I was right; the entire place wasn't that cold. It was colder. I couldn't pay attention to whatever we were looking at, I was just trying not to catch frostbite. 

The nurse noticed when we reached a bedroom. “Oh, Joshua, you're freezing! Hang on…” she left and returned with a blanket that she tucked up around me. “There. Much better.”

Mom was smiling. I had to ruin this plan somehow. 

So I screamed. Very, very loudly. Mom was so shocked she dropped her bag and all the booklets she was holding. 

“Shhh, Shhhh, it's okay Joshie, shhhh.” She tried. She went over me, looking for anything that might be causing me pain, before giving up. “Is there a doctor in this place? He doesn't scream like this. He doesn't make any noise at all, usually.”

“It's probably the change of environment.” The nurse shrugged. “But yes, our doctor is right this way.”

Dammit.

I had to keep going. That was the best way. Consistency. When the doctor touched me I screamed again, and smashed my head back against the headrest of my chair.

Mom freaked. Really, really freaked. She yanked the seatbelts off and sat me on her lap, resting my head on her shoulder. “Shhh. Shhh. Shhh. It’s okay Joshie, it’s okay, it’s okay.”

“Does he normally exhibit this type of behavior?”

“He’s silent, all day every day.” Mom explained. “This never happens, ever.”

“It’s the change of stimuli.” The doctor told her. “From leaving his old care home, to being home with you, to being here, he’s confused and doesn’t know how to deal with it.”

Mom looked at me sadly and continued rubbing my back. “So what do I do?”

“He seems calm now, it’ll just take a little time for him to adjust. He should be fine.”

“Okay…”

I frowned.

She gently placed me back in my chair and did all the seatbelts back up. “There we go Joshie, all comfy now.”

I didn’t have the heart to do anything. She looked so nervous and sad.

“Shall we continue with the tour?”

“Did you see my son?! He needs a moment!” She snapped at her, before taking a deep breath. “Sorry, sorry. I’m just worried.”

The nurse nodded in understanding. “That’s okay. We can stay here for a moment.”

Mom gently tucked the blanket back over me and stroked my hair, while wiping away a strand of drool. “There we go. There’s my good boy.”

I felt so bad. I never wanted to upset her. I just wanted to go back to Tyler.

In my absolute, goddamn best attempts to make her feel better, I forced a smile. Smiling was hard. My lips never worked with me, and the whole movement made my muscles ache for hours after. But I managed to sport a small grin for Mom, just to apologise.

Her grin was so wide when she saw. “Joshie! Oh you look so cute!” She hugged me tightly. “I love you!”

I loved her too. I hoped she knew it. I also hoped this place was terrible in secret.

The tour continued after my smile. I tried not to focus on the stinging on my face while we passed the hydrotherapy pools, the TV room, the activity room for those who can   
actually do stuff, and the bedrooms and bathrooms.

“Well, I must say, I do really like your facilities.” 

The nurse beamed. “Thank you for taking the time to come and see us today.”

“Thank you for showing us around.”

I just wanted to leave.

Thankfully, we did. I expected Mom to take me home, but she drove me back to the Wilhelm Respite Care Centre. AKA, Where Tyler was.

Thank god.

We got back and put me in my usual spot in front of the TV, tapping her fingers together nervously.

“M-Mrs Dun?” I heard Tyler ask.

“Oh, hello Tyler. Sorry for bursting in without notice, Joshie, um, Joshie had a moment. I think it was homesickness or something.”

“Huh….” He walked over and looked at my face. “Right.”

“We were doing a tour of this place and he just started screamed and bashing his head into his chair and it, it wasn’t good. Can I leave him here tonight? I have some spare clothes in the car.”

“Of course, Mrs Dun. I’ll try and help him as best I can.”

“You’re a dear. Thank you, so much.”

Tyler just smiled at her. “It’s my pleasure.”


	8. Mom

When Mom finally left, Tyler took me to our shared room and pulled a chair in front of me, with the morse code chart and a notebook. He took a deep breathe and sighed. "What on earth happened? You were gone one night."

M-O-M W-A-N-T-S T-O M-O-V-E M-E

"Move you? What do you mean by move you?"

T-O A D-I-F-F-E-R-E-N-T C-A-R-E C-E-N-T-E-R

Tyler paused for a moment once he'd worked out what I'd said, and tapped his fingers nervously against his clipboard. "But, Josh..."

I T-R-I-E-D T-O S-C-A-R-E H-E-R I-N-T-O L-E-T-T-I-N-G M-E S-T-A-Y

"Scare her? Josh, don't scare her. She's just trying to help you..."

S-H-E D-O-E-S-N-'T T-R-U-S-T Y-O-U

"Me? I thought she liked me! She's always smiling at me and all that stuff!"

I was about to respond when the strap holding my head up decided to come loose and my face fell forward, pulling on the shoulder straps. Then they came undone, and then the chest ones did, then the arm ones, and Tyler had to throw his notebook and chart to the side to catch me before I slid out onto the floor completely.

"Sorry, sorry, I got you, I got you." He breathed, slowly lifting me back up and doing all the straps up. "Okay, okay, there we go, all better?"

I just blinked a couple of times.

"Is that yes or no, Josh?"

It was at that moment that the door opened, almost silently, and Sarah poked her head in. Tyler didn't notice, and continued trying to make conversation.

"Josh, buddy, if you want my help you gotta blink to me, you know that! So come on, what's going on with your Mom?"

Sarah was staring at him, trying to figure out what to say to him. I knew this wouldn't end well for either of us, so I did the best thing I could to try and distract her from Tyler's attempts at conversing. I screamed and tried to tip my chair over.

For someone who really doesn't have a lot of muscle strength, I think everyone was surprised that I actually managed to end up face-first on the floor. I can't say it was comfortable, but at least they were both panicking about trying to pick me up instead of Tyler trying to talk to me.

"There we go Joshua, you're alright now." Sarah pulled all the straps off and laid me on the floor, my head in her lap while Tyler attempted to pull the chair back up. She sighed and gently ran her hand through my hair. "You're alright. You're alright."

"I thought you said he didn't understand anything." Tyler smirked at her slightly.

"He doesn't, but I'm pretty sure he gets some kind of understanding of tone. He seems settled now. Speaking of which, what on earth were you doing?!"

I screamed again to try and distract them both once again. My throat was absolutely burning, but there were more pressing matters than my throat. It didn't really ever get much use anyway.

Sarah freaked out again. "Tyler, help me get him onto the bed! Joshua, shhhh. It's okay, I know it's not comfy on the floor but you'll be in bed soon, don't worry."

Bed was a lot more comfortable, I had to agree, but I didn't stop screaming. It was getting kinda hard, and my spit was all foamy at my mouth now too. It was kinda gross, but sacrifices have to be made.

"TYLER, CALL AN AMBULANCE!" Sarah yelled, quickly forcing me into a sitting position and holding me as upright as she could so I didn't choke. Tyler ran out of the room and I just continued until I ran out of breath. Then I just started crying and coughing up phlegm.

Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.... kinda late now though.

Tyler ran back in a phone and handed it to Sarah, and took over holding me up. I couldn't stop if I wanted to now, my whole chest was burning from the screams and it send pain bolting through me.

"If you're doing this for me, blink twice. If you need a lot of help, blink once." Tyler whispered in my ear, wiping my chin with his other hand to hide it from Sarah.

I blinked once. Tyler started freaking out a lot more. "HURRY SARAH!"

"THEY'RE COMING TYLER!"

"CALL HIS MOTHER THEN!"

She just nodded hurriedly and ran out of the room. Tyler just stroked my hair and held my hand while I cried. "Don't worry Josh. I'm gonna look after you. You're gonna be okay, I promise. I never let bad things happen to people I love..."


	9. Pain

I ended up actually passing out before the ambulance arrived, and it was really weird to wake up in the hospital with no knowledge of how I actually got there.

Mom was sitting on one side of me, one hand holding mine, using the other to text with her phone. Tyler was on the other side, watching the silent TV in the corner with some sort of basketball game on it. I didn’t make any noises. I didn’t want to ruin my chances of watching anything other than the baby channel.

Sadly it only took a few minutes for Mom to notice my eyes were open and she wrapped me in a hug. “Joshie! Baby you’re awake! We were all so scared!”

Tyler then turned to me as well. He didn’t say anything though, just looked at my eyes curiously, I’m assuming to gage what my emotions were at this specific point.

“Tyler, honey, go find a napkin or some toilet paper or a hankerchief or something so we can wipe his face.” Mom sent him out of the room so she was alone with me. She ran her hands through my hair, held my limp hands, before she just started crying. “W-What have I done to you J-Joshie? What have I done?!”

Okay…. This was unusual. I tried to hum slightly, but my throat started burning again and I involuntarily let out a cry of pain.

“J-Joshie I’m sorry! I-I’m sorry I put you aall t-this! I n-never wanted y-you to be unhappy, I-I just w-wanted you to be with me! I didn’t w-want to lose y-you, but I h-have and n-now I’m just f-forcing you to l-live in t-this pain for no r-reason!”

Ah, so that’s what this was about. I can’t say I completely agreed with her decision to not turn life support off when I was still a kid, but seeing her like this now hurt. It hurt a lot. Almost as much as how much my chest was hurting right now.

I think that’s when Mom noticed my breathing was off, and she gently pulled me up into a sitting position while she patted my back in the hopes that something would help. I hope she’d realise soon that sitting up was no use while she just let my head loll in front of me, and I was now drooling all over the bedsheets.

Thank god for Tyler, who returned shortly after that. He cleaned me up and moved the bed to a seating position, holding my head up with some cushions that he’d arranged cleverlly. Mom just moved to the other corner of the room to cry.

Tyler noticed, but decided not to say anything, mostly because I was still crying out from the pain and he was doing his best to figure out how to help me. There wasn’t a lot other than pushing the ‘doctor call’ button every few seconds.

I was hoping they’d brought some kind of heavy sedative so I could sleep and not be in this pain anymore, but generally whatever you want doctors to do, they do the opposite.  
Sure enough, when one finally came in, he spent the first 10 minutes reading through my file on the end of the bed so he knew what to do. Mom was getting pretty frustrated, but didn’t say anything. I just kept crying, and tried my hardest to lift my arm to show him my chest was hurting. Didn’t work very well, for obvious reasons.

After what felt like an eternity, the doctor turned his attention towards me. “Okay… so this just happened for no reason, it seems?”

Tyler nervously nodded. Mom got up and took over. “He’s normally dead silent. This is so out of character and we’re all so worried.”

He just nodded, opening my mouth and getting frustrated when it kept closing on him. I couldn’t exactly control it, but when Mom got those brace thingy’s put in to help my drooling and to keep my mouth closed, it kinda made it hard to hold my mouth open. He kept getting so frustrated, and slapped my leg. “Open your mouth, goddammit!”

Tyler went to go and say something, but Mom just sighed and held it open for him, not saying anything to defend me or criticize his actions.

“Thanks, ma;'am.” He murmured. “It looks like a classic throat infection. I’ll prescribe some antibiotics.”

She nodded. “Thank you, and one more thing;”

He turned to her, slightly confused.

“If you ever lay a finger on my son again for something that he was zero control over and zero defences against you, I’ll make sure you never serve in a hospital again, are we clear?!”

“O-Oh, of course ma’am, my deepest apologies…”

“Now get out.”

He scurried out of the room and Mom turned to me, kissing my forehead and gently rubbing the spot where the doctor hit me. “I’m sorry about the mean man Joshie. I’ll protect you, I promise.”

“Me too.” Tyler added.

“What?”

“I said, me too. I’ll protect him too.” Tyler smiled at her.

“Uh, I was kinda saying that more to myself…”

“Yeah, but he still understands it.”

“What?”

“He can hear us, and he can understand us. Trust me, we’ve been talking. Morse code, he blinks to me. It’s amazing.”

“WHAT?!”


	10. Guns N Roses

At first I was so angry at Tyler for blurting it out without consulting me that I wasn’t gonna blink at all. I was just gonna lie here and make him look like the idiot.

That was, until Mom went psycho at him. “Who the hell do you think you are?! Do you think I don’t know my son?! Do you think I haven’t done everything I possibly can to revive any chance that he’s in there?! Do you think I’m stupid, Tyler?! Do you think this is funny?! Well, it’s not! Don’t come in here with your new little internship and think that you know everything about my son and everything about his condition and are a new Josh expert, because you’re not! NOW JUST GET OUT! I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU WITH MY SON AGAIN, EVER!”

Tyler went pale, but held his ground and shook his head. “I assure you, m-ma’am, he does talk to me. I know it’s seemingly impossible, but it took a lot of effort. All those blinks,   
h-he’s been trying to talk to you!”

Her face was going red with anger. I felt a sinking feeling in my stomach, and despite everything, I started blinking. Tyler quickly turned her around to face me, and grabbed his notebook and chart out of his bag. “Here, let me prove it to you.”

“I DON’T WANT YOU TO PROVE ANYTHING TO ME! I JUST WANT YOU TO GET OUT!”

Tyler just shook his head, and sat down beside me. “Okay Josh, start from the beginning, let’s show your Mom what you can do.”

I thought long and hard, I thought about everything I’d wanted to say to my mother since the accident. All these words were flying around in my head, but I couldn’t settle on any of them. So I went simple.

H-I.

“See, look, he says hi!”

She scoffed. “That’s a two letter word, and you know he has a blinking problem. It’s just a fluke.”

“Well, let’s keep going then.” Tyler looked back at my eyes.

So I decided to do something that only Mom would know, something that would convince her, something that Tyler had no idea about. After the accident, Mom used to hold me in her lap and sing to me. And she used to sing me ‘sweet child of mine’ by Guns N Roses. A perfect lullaby choice, of course. She didn’t sing it loud and rock-ish, but the lyrics were the same, so that’s what I went with.

S-W-E-E-T C-H-I-L-D O-F M-I-N-E

“Sweet child of mine? What? I’m confused.” Tyler tilted his head slightly. “What do you mean by that?”

Meanwhile, Mom looked at Tyler’s notebook, then up at me, then back down at the notebook, before her eyes rolled back and fainted.

Mayyyyybe that was a little too much to start with? I don’t know. Tyler quickly went to help her, and sat her up in the visitor’s chair before calling a doctor to help her. Thankfully,   
when the doctor did come, he brought my medicine, and I got a little needle in my arm to take the pain away.

Thank god for that.

“What on earth did you say? What does that mean?” Tyler asked me.

S-H-E U-S-E-D T-O S-I-N-G I-T T-O M-E W-H-E-N I W-A-S L-I-T-T-L-E

“Isn’t that like a rock song though?” he turned to Mom and giggled slightly. “Now I’m just imagining your Mom as a member of Guns N Roses and screaming and stuff.”

I frowned, well, in my head.

“But when she wakes up, you can talk to her. Won’t that be good, huh? You haven’t done that, what, since forever? How long have you been trapped in your head?”  
I stared at the file on the end of the bed and hoped he’d get the hint. He picked it up and sat down to read it. “Oh, since you were 5. Oh… wait, so you were born, and there was an   
accident, oh, Josh…”

I didn’t want his sympathy, and I just frowned. 

He gently patted my hair. ‘Nothing that’s happened to you has ever been fair. But I’m gonna change that. I can’t fix you, but I can do my best to allow you to be heard. Does that sound good?”

I blinked a Y-E-S.

That just made him grin. He hugged me tightly, and smiled again. “Awesome. We’re gonna start with your Mom.”


	11. Pizza

Dad arrived in my hospital room before Mom woke up, and to my surprise, he brought my brother. My brother, when he was little, used to do everything he could to avoid me, and it kinda carried somewhat into his adulthood. I was quite suprised when he sat down in the other chair and gently pulled the blanket up over me.

“Who are you?” Tyler asked, slightly confused.

“Joshua’s father.” Dad told him firmly, “And I came because some doctor called to say my wife had passed out in this hospital room.”

“Oh, hi…” Tyler forced a smile. “I’m Tyler, I’m Josh’s new carer? Sorry about your wife, she um, heard some shocking news and kinda, well, yeah.” They both looked at Mom’s limp body.

“What shocking news?” Jordan asked as he wiped some drool off my chin.

“U-Um, that Josh can understand us.”

“No, he can’t.” Dad grunted, pushing past him. “He’s retarded. He can’t understand anything.”

“That’s where you’re wrong. We’ve been talking. He can blink in morse code and we can talk to him.”

“He has a blinking problem!”

“He’s trying to communicate! What do you think he’s doing?”

“Involuntarily blinking because his brain is half mush?”

“No!” Tyler huffed. He passed the notebook to Jordan. “Here. Have a conversation with your brother.”

“My brother can’t understand a thing I’m saying.” He frowned at Tyler. “This is stupid. Who the hell do you think you are? I doubt you’re even his real carer!”

Tyler frowned. “Please, just give it a shot.”

He rolled his eyes, and turned to me. “Whatever, my retarded brother is gonna somewhat come back to life after being dead inside for the past 14 years.” 

Ouch. That kinda hurt. I expected that kinda stuff from doctors, but not from Jordan. I just stared at him, and started to blink.

S-C-R-E-W Y-O-U

“Screw you? Wait… that’s an actual word…” I watched his eyes go wide. “DAD! JOSH IS TALKING!”

Dad ran over to Jordan’s side and looked at the book, and then up at me. I guess they wanted me to keep going. I’m sure they were expecting something deep and meaningful or   
something nice from me but instead I just wanted water.

I N-E-E-D A D-R-I-N-K.

“A drink? Water? I’ll get it right now!” Jordan got up and sprinted out of the room, hopefully to get me a drink of water. That was nice. My throat was still burning. I think the   
medicine that the doctor’s gave me was starting to wear off.

“How long have you known?” Dad turned to Tyler, his voice soft and quivering slightly.

“Um, about two weeks now…”

“Why didn’t you tell us!?”

“Josh asked me not to. Also, he doesn’t like being called Joshua. He prefers Josh.”

Dad was silent. Jordan ran back in with a water bottle, and doing his best he tried to pour some in my mouth. He missed, the water bottle fell onto my chest, and I became completely drenched.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” Jordan quickly pulled the blankets off me, and Dad ran to get a nurse or someone to help out. I just kept blinking, to Tyler this time. C-O-L-D.

“Someone’s coming Josh, don’t stress, you won’t be cold much longer.”

Wow, okay. Thanks for the support, Tyler. You could pull the wet blanket off me at least.

Jordan did that, and pulled my shirt off and tried to dry me with the dry part of the blanket to help. “There we go Joshie. All better. All better.”

I was cold for a while until a nurse came with a warm water bucket and gave me a sponge bath before dressing me in some warm pyjamas on a new mattress with dry sheets. That was nice of her. I forced a smile.

She didn’t seem to notice, but laid me down and walked out, leaving me alone with my family again. Mom was starting to wake up.

Dad went to her side and smiled when she woke up. “Hey, Laura. How are you feeling honey?”

She grunted slightly and forced herself to sit up. “Where a-am I?”

“Me, you and Jordan are at the hospital with Josh.”

“Josh?!” She quickly straightened up. “Why’s he in the hospital? Is he okay?!”

“He’s fine, see?” He gestured to me. “He has a little bit of a throat infection but the doctors have him on antibiotics and he’ll be just fine.”

She rushed to my side and stroked my hair. “Poor Joshie. I’m sorry baby, I’m sorry!”

Dad winced slightly. “Do you remember why you passed out?”

“Passed out? Did I pass out? What happened?”

“Um…. Tyler explained to you that Josh can understand us.”

“What?”

“And that he can talk back to us… through blinking.” Jordan added from the other side of me.

“Oh….”

The room fell silent. So I decided, for the first time since I was 5, to break it. It was an exhilarating feeling as I blinked out a message to my family.

C-A-N I H-A-V-E P-I-Z-Z-A

“Pizza?” Jordan checked his notebook. “You want pizza? Of course you can have pizza. What kinda pizza do you want?”

D-O-N-T C-A-R-E

“Okay… do you like pepperoni?”

Y-E-S

He ruffled my hair and ran out of the room, presumably to go and get my pizza. That was pretty cool. I really liked pizza. Tyler chuckled slightly and leaned back on his chair.

Mom was kinda in a trance. She didn’t move, nor say anything. Dad walked over and took her hand, “Laura?”

“I-I-”

“It’s not your fault. This is all the doctors have told us for years.” He tried.

She then just started crying. “I-I’ve b-been ignoring m-my son!”

“No, no, no, you haven’t, you haven’t.” Dad pulled her into a hug and gently kissed her cheek. “It’s okay. We found him now. That’s all that matters.”

She pushed him away. “I’m s-sorry Joshie! I-I’m such a bad Momma a-and I!”

“Josh didn’t want to tell you because he was scared of this happening.” Tyler said softly. “He loves you so much and he didn’t want you to think that you’d mistreated him all these years because you still loved him and he appreciates everything you’ve done for him.”

Then I got to witness my Mom hug Tyler and her crying into his shoulder, probably for about half an hour until Jordan returned with my pizza.

I had given some thought, especially when I was younger, about what the day would be like when my family learned that I was still here. And eating pizza together while we cried and told each other that we loved each other didn’t seem like that bad of an option.


	12. Yellow

Tyler, Mom, Dad, Jordan, the doctors, everyone. Everyone was so preoccupied with learning that I could understand them that it sort-of took the attention away from my throat infection. So much so in fact, that it had spread into my chest and become a rather severe case of pneumonia.

Which wasn’t good at all, considering my lungs weren’t especially good on their own. The doctors had me on a ventilator, which I complained about through my blinks every single time someone entered the room, whether they understood or not.

My body was never great, but this just felt like a kick while I was down. I hated the IV’s in my arms and I hated that I couldn’t scratch them because they were really, really itchy and Tyler was too scared to touch them without a doctor so I just fumed in silence and refused to blink to him.

I had to admit, this ‘having attitude and asserting dominance’ thing was amazing. I was no longer silent, push-over, absolutely useless, vegetable Josh, but people recognised that I understood their stuff, and it was kinda fun to toy with them a little bit.

It especially confused my Mom when I told her that I wanted to dye my hair yellow.

“Yellow? Joshie… that’s your hair… I just don’t know about yellow…” She paused a moment, brushing her fingers through my hair for a few moments. “Is that what you really, really wanna do?”

Y E P

She sighed, before shaking her head. “I mean, if you want to, you’re 19 now, you can make your own decisions about your hair. But not while you’re sick, only when you’re better.”

A W W W

She smiled sadly at me and gently adjusted the mask on my face, before placing her hand on my chest to feel it rise up and down. “You’re still wheezing Joshie, it’s been a whole week…”

I ‘ M F I N E

“No, you’re not, sweetheart. You’ve never had a case quite this bad before. That’s partly my fault, I should have been paying more attention… I’m sorry.”

I sighed internally, knowing my worrisome mother always liked to pin things on herself. I tried to give her my best glare, which she recieved with a sign and touched my chest again.

“Hopefully this’ll clear up soon, and you can come back home, hey? The hospital isn’t very fun, but you should be able to come home soon.”

She was interrupted by a coughing fit, which was uncomfortably mine. It got pretty bad, and she quickly sprung to my side and sat me up as best she could. It helped, but unfortunately it set off a chain reaction, and soon the mask strapped to my face was filled with sick.

My mother, once again, has always been amazing when dealing with me at my worst. She pulled it off and tried to hold me to make sure I would get as little puke on myself as possible, then quickly called a nurse. She grabbed a tissue from the box on the night stand, and cleaned my face off, before resting my head back on her neck.

“Okay Joshie, the nurse is coming, you won’t feel yucky for much longer.”

Mom had been trying her best over the past few days, but did fall back to her baby talk every now and then. It didn’t worry me too much, but it frustrated her a whole lot. I tried to distract her before she went back to punishing herself.

T Y L E R ?

“Hmm? No, honey, Tyler’s not here right here, he went home to spend the weekend with his brother. What’s wrong? Do you want me to call him?”

N E E D

“Honey, he’s not here right now.”

C A L L

She sighed. “Do you really want me to call him?”

Y E S

When the nurse came and took over from Mom, she stood at the window and dialed Tyler. “Hey, Ty… I know you’re at your brother’s, but Joshie’s taken a bit of a turn for the worst and he’s asking for you… You’re sure that’s okay?... Mmkay, see you soon.”

She sat back down beside me and exhaled loudly. “Half an hour, he’ll be here in half an hour.”

T H A N K Y O U

She smiled slightly and waited a second for the nurse to finish before leaning over and kissing my cheek. “I love you.”

And once again, it felt amazing to respond to something I’d been dying to respond to for many, many years.

I L O V E Y O U T O O


End file.
